The mission of Hogwarts
by Availability
Summary: Sanzo and crew are thrown into the world of witches, wizards and magic with little warning in order to find a way to help the Youkai. Posing as students they must remain under cover and refrain from drawning attention. Easier said than done.


**Chapter one – Galleon**

For the life of him, Sanzo could not work out what he'd done to deserve this.

It had been bad enough putting up with Goku and Goujo under normal circumstances – normal meaning the pair of them whipping out their weapons at every opportunity to beat each other to a bloody pulp – but this was getting beyond ridiculous.

The four of them had awoken from what he realizes now was _a drug induced coma_ to find themselves locked in a small, shoddy room with no furniture and barely enough room for them to stand comfortably.

Not that Sanzo _was _comfortable. Don't go jumping to conclusions like that. In fact, one might venture to say he was distinctly _un_comfortable. He was jammed between the wall and Goujo and Goku, his head throbbing painfully.

Hakkai seemed to be trying his hardest to keep the peace, sensing the bloodthirsty aura rapidly developing around the monk. "Now, now," he placated as Goujo and Goku's petty squabble started to take a physical turn, "There's only so much room in here. Let's not fight."

"It's probably the stupid cockroach's fault anyway," Goku snapped as he tried to wrestle his way free from the headlock he was trapped in.

"Big talk coming from you monkey-boy," Goujo sneered as he increased the pressure of his arm wrapped around Goku's shoulders, "I seem to recall you're the one who's always getting us in trouble."

"Am not!"

"Are to!"

"_Am not!" _

"_Are to!" _

"ENOUGH!" Thundered Sanzo and was instantly rewarded with gratifying silence. _Oh, sweet silence, how I missed thee_, Sanzo thought sombrely, _never leave me again. _

"Yes," Hakkai agreed, "let's calm down and think about this."

If anyone besides Hakkai had said that they probably would have lost a limb to Sanzo's gun, but it was pretty impossible to get angry at Hakkai. His very _being_ just seemed calming.

Taking a deep breath in preparation Sanzo gritted out, "Does anyone have any idea where we are?"

A moment of silence followed by the rattling of the doorknob before Goku piped up, "The door's locked." Not exactly what Sanzo had asked, but he'd take what he could.

"– and there's a note stuck on it." Goku continued, his voice lifting in curiosity.

Shoving his way mercilessly past Goujo, Sanzo snatched the paper from Goku, ignoring the kicked puppy – more like kicked _monkey_ – look he gave him.

_Sanzo and crew. _

_I've dumped you off at the leaky cauldron. _

_I want you to investigate Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They may have a way to help the Youki. _

_I've also left you a bill for the room. _

_Ciao._

_- Kanzeon Bosatsu_

"Neh, neh, what does it say, Sanzo?" Goku whined impatiently, tugging at Sanzo's sleeve, "I found it. I wanna' know."

Sanzo ripped his sleeve free – punching Goujo as he did in the limited space, not that he was particularly sorry – of Goku's grip and handed the note to Hakkai, wanting his level headed approach.

Hakkai scanned the note quickly before quirking his eyebrow. "I can't say I'm surprised. I suppose we'll be heading to this 'Hogwarts' then, won't we?"

"C'mon, give us a look," Goujo pleaded.

Sanzo ignored him. "But what the fuck _is_ a Hogwarts?"

"How about we talk about this once we get out," Hakkai graciously suggested as he tucked the sheet of paper into his pocket. Sanzo couldn't agree more.

"C'mon guys," Goku begged, "don't ignore us! And besides – the door's locked."

There was the sharp report of a fired weapon and Goujo let out an impressive stream of swearwords as he jumped away from the – now steaming – door as it slowly swung open.

"You trigger happy maniac!" Goujo accused and earned a thump on the head with the heavy end of Sanzo's revolver for his trouble as its owner stumbled out of the door and into a wooden corridor, nearly smacking into a couple walking passed as he did so.

Hakkai followed out behind him elegantly and Goku and Goujo rolled out in a tangled pile of limbs, tripping Sanzo up as they did so. The gun flew from his grip and thudded harmlessly into the wall – just before the staring couple – as he went down ungracefully in a flow of robes and Maten scripture.

"… Oops. Sorry Sanzo." Goku said from somewhere behind him.

Hakkai offered Sanzo a hand and pulled the murderous monk to his feet. Sanzo straightened his robes as Hakkai retrieved him his gun. Meeting the wide eyes of the pair that had just watched them fight their way free of an empty cleaning closet Sanzo snapped, "What are you looking at?"

Chagrined, the pair hurried off, leaving Sanzo to collect the shattered remains of his dignity. He could hear scrambling behind him as Goujo tried to get to his feet only to fall back down again.

Sanzo whipped around to glare at the half-blooded demon laying pooled at his feet was surprised to see that he looked like he was trying his very hardest not to laugh.

"What," Sanzo growled pointing his gun squarely at Goujo's head, "do you find so funny?"

Goujo finally managed to get to his feet, still snickering as he did so. "It's just," – snort – "the people passing by just witness you coming out of the closet, your royal highness."

It was silent for a moment before a little chuckle came from Hakkai. Goku, who was still sprawled out on the floor, didn't understand the joke and was quite vocal about that. However, all other noises paled in comparison to the sharp _click _of Sanzo cocking his gun.

Goujo immediately raised his hands to defend himself (how they would protect him from bullets, he had no idea) and said, "Chill man. I was kidding. _Kidding_." He stressed when he saw the tick developing above Sanzo's eye.

Clearly, however, the monk had had enough of this bullshit for one day, or maybe he just wanted to see Goujo dance, whatever the reason he didn't hesitate to empty his gun.

"FUCK!" Goujo swore as he leapt from side to side comically, a mix of flaming red eyes and crimson hair as he tried his very hardest to avoid being shot. "You _are _a trigger happy maniac!"

Sanzo waited until there was the _click _of an empty gun and the barrel was smoking before he ceased fire. Miraculously, their very loud and very _public _spat had not drawn any attention. Perhaps that could be attributed to the two Sanzo scarred for life when they saw him coming out of the closet.

"Now," Sanzo said, a little more calm after being back in control, "can we do something _useful?_ For example, _find out where we are?" _

"Didn't you read the note, Sanzo?" Goku chipped in with a borderline patronizing tone. He waved about the thin slip of paper he had somehow managed to come in possession of during the scuffle. "It says we're in a leaky cauldron."

"No it doesn't Goku," Hakkai correct gently, "it says we're _at _the leaky cauldron."

"Same difference," the Monkey King said carelessly, "a leaky cauldron is still a leaky cauldron."

Hakkai gave a small sigh but turned to Sanzo none the less. "Should I suggest we venture on? Less we fall subject to anymore of Goujo's 'closet' jokes…"

"Hey, you laughed at my 'closet joke'!" Goujo objected.

Sanzo tucked his gun away in the folds of his robes and straightened his Maten scripture before striding off in the direction of some stairs, leaving the others to hurry after him or run the risk of being left behind.

The building was old and still aging, its walls an off white as the stairs creaking beneath them. Paintings adorned the walls and Sanzo noticed with a sceptical eye that they seemed to be whispering together. Which, of course, was _technically _impossible. Not that it really bothered Sanzo. It he cared much about what was possible and what was not, he wouldn't have become a monk in the first place.

Following the stairs they slowly reached a danker part of the building before emerging in a room of filthy light and a strange smell of things not- quite-poisonous and whisky.

"Smells of alcohol down here," Goujo muttered and Sanzo realised that they were standing in the doorway to a bar.

It wasn't a very busy bar. There were a few people scattered throughout the room and a couple more leaning on the counter. Funnily dressed, too. Not that they could really talk when you compared their colourful and durable dress to the depressing robes donned by the others in the room.

"And who," called a stubby toothed man who was polishing a glass behind the counter, "do ya' reckon we have got here, have we?"

Goku, of course, bounded forward eagerly. Pressing his hands onto the bar he leant forward and said, "Hey old man, do you know where we are? I keep _telling _Sanzo that we're in a leaky caldron but he just won't believe me!" Goku paused here to dramatically roll his eyes. "But the note left on the closet says we are! We are, aren't we?"

There were a few chuckles throughout the room. "Ay, this is the leaky caldron," the barman confirmed, "And I'm Tom, if you care to know. Now, are you four the ones who rented out my closet?"

"Rented out your closet?" Goujo repeated uncertainly, unsure whether he had heard him right.

Tom nodded. "My closet. Young lady with long hair and a dot like yours," here he paused to nod at Sanzo, "on her forehead asked if some of her minions could rent out my smallest room…" He stopped for a second, smiling an eerie smile with so many teeth missing, "and my smalles' room happen to be the closet."

"Minions…You've got to be shitting me," Sanzo face-palmed in a way unbecoming of such a highly ranked monk. "No. we didn't rent out your bloody closet. We just woke up in it."

Tom looked unimpressed. "You wake up in one of my rooms, you pay the fee." He said stubbornly. "It's what we here in England call _renting_."

"_England?" _Hakkai echoed.

"Aye. England."

"This is just fucking perfect," Sanzo growled, "_fucking perfect!" _

"Sanzo," Hakkai reprimanded. Sanzo sent him a withering glare – Hakkai used to this kind of treatment, did not wither.

"Well, how much is the room then?" Hakkai asked politely.

A toothy grin. "A galleon a night."

"… You want _what _a night?" Goujo frowned incredulously.

"One galleon."

"No, no, nooo. What _is_ a galleon?"

Tom raised a lofty eyebrow at them. "You can't pay the galleon?"

Goujo groaned in frustration as he rubbed his head. "No," he said shortly, "we can't pay it if we don't know what it is!"

"Just pay him," Goku groaned from the counter, "I'm huuungry."

"I'm not going to pay him if I don't know what it is!" Goujo snapped, "It could be like, sexual favours for all I know!"

"It's not," A shabby old woman on the opposite side of the room said helpfully.

"Thank you." Hakkai nodded at the kind little woman before turning to Tom to take control of the situation, "We don't have a galleon. Is there some other method of payment we could use? Or could you perhaps tell us where we can earn one?"

Tom observed them silently. "It _is _just a galleon… I _suppose _I could just let you off this once… You can pay _interest_ next time you stop by."

Sanzo didn't quite like the way the barman said _interest, _but with precious little options available to them he simply vowed never to return to this shabby little dwelling again. Moving on from that however, the topic of Pigwarts still remained…

"Also, do you know anything about this place called Pigwarts?" Sanzo cut it roughly. Tom stared at him blankly.

"If you mean _Hogwarts_, yes I do…"

"Yeah, that's the one!" Goku said enthusiastically.

"Who are you people?" Tom asked suspiciously. "Not knowing no galleon, now not knowing about Hogwarts… Are you Muggels?"

"No," Goujo said, sounding thoroughly offended. "How dare you call us Muggles!"

Goku sidled over to Goujo and whisper, _"What's a Muggle?"_

"_No clue,"_ Goujo whispered back from the side of his mouth.

Tom bowed his head in apology but still looked suspicious. "My apologies for talking out of line. Hogwarts is one of the most prominent wizarding schools around these parts."

"Wizarding school…" Sanzo muttered. "How would we go about getting there?"

Tom gave them a strange look. "Unless you're a student or a teacher, not at all."

Hakkai thanked Tom politely for his help and herded the others over to a desolate corner to better discuss their options.

"Next time that hermaphrodite shows her bloody face I swear to dear god –."

"– Calm down Sanzo, she must have a reason for sending us out here." Hakkai rationalised calmly, "the note did so they may have a way to help us with the Youki."

Sanzo gave him a dirty look. "That's fine, but you can't get there if you're not a _student _or _teacher_."

Hakkai pondered this. "We could simply break in," he hummed, "or we could pose as students. We may be able to pull of one of the elder years." He sent a smile towards Sanzo. "I don't imagine breaking into their school would very much endear these 'wizards' to us. I recommend we pose as students."

Goku stared up at Sanzo. "I dunno Hakkai... Sanzo spends too much time smoking, drinking and shooting things to pass as a student."

"He spends far too much time smoking, drinking and shooting things to pass as a Monk too, but he manages," Goujo muttered under his breath but was lucky enough not to be overheard.

"Shut it runt," Sanzo snapped but Hakkai didn't seem too fazed.

"Oh, of course he won't be drinking or smoking while we're there; and not shooting people up goes without saying." He said cheerfully, but with such a wide smile one must wonder if it wasn't to prepare himself against something.

"No booze?" Goujo asked in disbelief.

"No smoking?" Sanzo repeated with a darkening aura.

"None at all." Confirmed Hakkai with his pleasant smile.

"I still get to eat, right?" Goku asked suspiciously but was promptly drowned at by Goujo inhumane wailing.


End file.
